


Words we should not say

by KaneNogami



Category: Kamen Rider Gaim
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-23
Updated: 2014-02-23
Packaged: 2018-01-13 11:11:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1224112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaneNogami/pseuds/KaneNogami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After episode eighteen, Takatora decides it's time to finally confess his feelings properly, which is difficult considering his lover left without saying what he was going to do. At least, cell phones exist. Although talking to Kaito is never easy, especially these days.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Words we should not say

Meaningless. The conversation as a whole was that way. Their words had no real sense beyond a general idea that they were wrong each time they tried to convince the other of changing his ways. It had been this way for a while now. Texts exchanged in the middle of the night, when they were not able to find comfort by closing their eyes and hoping for a miracle. As if any of them could still believe in such a childish concept... Kaito felt the urge to scream, to rise his arm high enough so he could throw his phone in the river below. Yet, what would it achieve except making even more damage? Wasn't it why he was here in the first place? Sitting on the railway behind the stage his team owned -owns, the fact he was gone did not mean the world has stopped to move-, his legs moving in the air as he pondered about all which went wrong. This game had gone too far. Which one was he talking about? It was difficult to be sure. Takatora was worth a better title, wasn't he? At the same time, wasn't it similar for his team-mates? It had been a while since Kaito managed to find a real answer to any of his questions. Sighing, the sound barely audible to any passer-by -not that there was any since the sun would rise in a couple of hours- the young man let his fingers type a reply. One he did not even take the time to read. Only annoyance would have followed and erasing another answer would be difficult to deal with. He had been struggling to find what to say for a while already.

'I love you' was an odd sentence. He was not sure of what could fit as a reply, except perhaps that he was angry about the world, and he felt like a toy which user tried to console after smashing it against a wall, which was unacceptable. Yet, it was not what Takatora needed to hear, or rather to read, at this exact moment.

'No', he typed, his fingers pressing the keys too hard. No. That was not possible, and neither was it acceptable. There was no adoration, no craving to be held and consoled, no need for a hand landed, between them. Once again, Kureshima was scheming to win something he would have no use for in the first place ; his heart. And Kaito was tired of being a pawn, of fighting against a name which was shared by the only person who had ever dared to send such foolish declaration to him. No, no more. He sent a second text, only to make sure he was still making sense, still managing to show it was a logical answer. 

Was it even a real rejection? It was as if he had refused to acknowledge the words at all. Wrong, his mind had registered the information, the man was sure of that. He simply had nothing to do with it. Promises were not something he could believe in and these three words sounded like one. Or at least like something which would chain him even more to this city, to a destiny which would end up destroying his heart before he could even accomplish anything. Kaito wanted the world to stop, during that night, as the stars were hidden behind dark clouds and he had no light to shine upon his stage. The sky was probably filled by the heavy thoughts of disgruntled citizens. After a while, the dancer -or ex-dancer, he was not sure if he could bear this title any longer, but that did not matter since it had been only a cover to get closer to his goal, right? He felt sick- realized he had been sending the same answer over and over for a while now. How foolish. 

Perhaps Takatora would give up that way, forced to read the words until they were engraved into his head and nothing else could be seen. It was not like any of them had tears to shed about their relationship, not with all was happening in their respective lives. And even less if their past relations with people were taken into account. Their loved ones had this bad habit of slipping out of their reach and disappearing after all. They were probably more fitted to be enemies than lovers, in the end. The thought was nearly sufficient to make Kaito throw up. Pathetic. It was not how he was supposed to act at all. Wasn't he the one who bowed in front of no one? The fighter who ran to fight monsters without an armour, being foolish mattering less than survival? Could this asshole at least call him to demand an explanation? Dammit. Nothing was going well that night. Throwing his head backward, Kaito glared at the sky, searching an answer he would not get by acting this way. 

Then, his phone buzzed again.  
'Unable to admit the truth?' Lifting the object so it was in front of his eyes, the armoured rider remained silent for a moment, taking the time to register what had been claimed against him. The question might have had an hidden meaning, not that Kaito was talented at understanding those in the first place. Taking it literally made more sense, even if he supposed it was not that accurate either. Takatora had been asking a question while already being painfully aware of the answer, hadn't he? Clenching his cellphone tighter, until his fingers hurt again, the other decided his wish was to challenge him, to prove that he had been wrong, that there was nothing in his attitude which made him cowardly. By refusing to offer a concrete answer, Kaito was simply pushing the problem aside and ensuring both of them a better future, with less complications. He was saving them.

How could anyone trust such blatant lie? A groan passed his lips as let his body fall backward, ending up with half of his body in the air and his legs as his only support. The pose could have been more graceful without his coat hanging in an awkward fashion against the ground but he could not have cared less. All of what was happening was problematic. Sure, he had grown interested in Takatora since their first meeting, in that damn bar when they ignored each other's names and it was quite less difficult than nowadays, and yet he was not in love with him. At least, he hoped it was not the case. There was always a faint chance for everything to be a trap. His whole life had been this way. He could never held something for too long before having to let go for a reason or another. Wasn't his relationship with the older man the same? Honestly, the last thing he needed was an answer at this moment. His whole mind was off, unable to grasp on reality and the way he was hanging down, in such uncomfortable position, which was not usual for him, only increased this feeling. By turning everything around though, perhaps he could get something out of this?

Effortlessly, the young man sat back in a more appropriate fashion, finding himself dialling the number from memory instead of double clicking on Takatora's name. As a test to prove this conversation was meant to be. If they were important, if something between them made any sense at all, he would remember. Treating the situation as a game, or rather a challenge, was not that Kaito was looking for. Still, it was sufficient to give him the courage he needed in this moment. Being reckless was his thing, that's what his boyfriend (lover?) used to laugh about when they were together. Courage and strength were different notions, even if he was not sure of where he was supposed to draw the line between the two at this exact moment. Takatora was a monster whom twisted his views of the world and the rules he had made up to remain true to himself as if there was nothing more easy to do.

“Loving me, Kureshima? Another part of your plan?” His voice was hoarse, muffled by the exhaustion combined with his inability to accept the situation. Was he even expecting an answer when himself had been the first one refusing to offer any? He could have called him by his nickname, as usual, and mocked him about being too sentimental ('You're a fucking tease, telling me words none of us care about, Taka.'). Although Kaito was aware of the need for control the other had and how it prevailed on anything else. A confession probably meant the younger male was not allowed to go away any more if he accepted. How to deal with that reality? With the fact he could end up being even more of a guinea pig for the company he loathed than it was already the case.

“Kaito.” The other had a very specific manner to pronounce his name when he was not in the mood to deal with his pride. Usually, the second rider would not have cared much but, for once, it made him mad. How could his boyfriend drop such careless words and then accuse him to be the one messing everything up? Screaming would not have changed anything though. Otherwise, Kumon would have already vomited his hatred toward Yggdrasil on the phone countless times. Their relationship was an unbelievable mess. They had started dating without any real reason to do so, perhaps to prove that they could go past their names and fate. At least, it was better to tell themselves they had lacked a reason than to admit they craved, needed, to be close at every hour to get the feeling of being alive, or having a reason to go on beyond what they had to destroy for their own sake. “Don't you dare making this even more difficult.”

He wanted to snap at him, to reply he was not the one ruining their story. Instead of that, Kaito closed his eyes, letting the silence calm his nerves enough so he could not regret his words later. As if they ever paid attention to what they were saying usually, especially when they were in bed. Tch, focusing on small matters like this one was not necessary. “How could you love me?” The question was genuine. It was not in his nature to lie in the first place. Maybe Kaito was slightly naïve when it came to his own emotions, or rather how people could feel about his existence. And, to him, understanding he could be someone's most important person, or more exactly the second, after Mitsuzane, (never completely the first no matter how hard he tried) was a challenge, as it had never happened before. Of course, he took pride in the result, but remained confused by the concept itself.

“I am able to. No matter how much you have proven to be a rather difficult lover. Especially about your lack of will to actually listen to what I tell you everyday.” A noise of protest escaped Kaito's lips. The words were indeed true. Still, he did not enjoy them. “Do not interrupt me if you wish for an answer, Kaito. I love you. We both know that already. The words have slipped from my mouth a few times as we were together, in some circumstances. While it was unfortunate at that time, considering we were not acquainted well enough outside of the bedroom, it now appears to represent our feelings accurately. While you are allowed to claim it doesn't affect you and that you do not reciprocate, I've heard you moaning these words against my lips more than once. And it only increased lately. The fact I have to pin you to a bed, when we manage to actually reach it, to get you to be honest is not- It's interesting, I admit, to play such games. However, I would enjoy for us to pursue our relationship as a real one.” There was a short pause before Takatora finally offered the end of his confession. “I am not trying to force you in a cage, Kaito. Yes, I know what you are thinking and that you might have difficulties with our situation. The fact you can be loved is something you are struggling with and I want to erase that doubt from your mind.  
You are not a bird, I won't clip your wings for my own enjoyment.”

The phone slipped from the younger rider's fingers, only to be caught a couple of seconds before what would have be a bad fall. It was not fair, to have someone who could interpret his silence with such ease and put exact words on the emotions he could not voice. Breaking his barriers without any trouble at all was a crime. That man could have ripped his heart apart already, and yet, Takatora was still here, with his cheesy and yet direct words. What to do with them? As he finally accepted to press the phone back against his ear, Kaito found himself, in an uncharacteristic manner, unable to voice a word, during a few seconds. 

He was stronger than that. No one could force him to remain silent, especially not himself.

“Okay, fine. Fine! I love you.” He blurted it awkwardly, talking too loud and clenching his phone too tightly once again. “I don't know why though. And we are aware of how problematic it-” 

Trapped in his doubts, he had missed the footsteps resonating behind him. At the second he felt the arms wraps around his shoulders, he lowered his hand, the call having been ended a couple of seconds before by his lover. The gesture brought him back to reality however and he leaned backward slightly, resting against the other. For a moment, only the sound of river was heard, and then Kaito decided to put an end to the game. “You were looking for me, weren't you? Since my first reply, am I wrong?”

“I started when Zack told me you had left Baron, accusing me of having manipulated you into quitting.” It was logical somehow. Zack was foolish to believe someone could change Kaito's views of the world in such an easy manner. “I was worried.” Takatora was obviously reluctantly admitting it and Kaito only closed his hand on top of his lover's ones in response.

“Don't doubt me. I know what I am doing and the path I intend to follow.” His tone was clear, and he was grateful for that. 

“You are still too stubborn for your own good.” A kiss on his cheek made Kaito smirk a little. He was too used to hear these words to take them seriously.

“Perhaps. You still love me, right?”

“Yes, I do. I love you, Kumon Kaito.”

“You are foolish, old man.” 

Not enjoying the nickname, the taller male sighed. For a moment, he wondered if the other was aware of how he could have pushed him effortlessly to a certain death. Despite claiming he would never trust anybody, the kid was too damn confident. 

“Come to my place tonight.”

Kaito could have joked about his boyfriend already missing his body too much, but he was too tired to start another fight or to argue about anything. Pushing his lover (yes, the term fitted now, just for tonight), he went back on his feet with grace. “Fine.”

Tomorrow, he would run away and claim the night was another mistake, that their confession lacked a meaning. For the moment, holding Takatora's hand and having him ravage his lips with his teeth as a punishment for being such a careless person was enough.


End file.
